What Does Forgiveness Mean?

Perhaps one of the most thought-provoking and challenging things Jesus ever commanded was for us to forgive those who have offended us seventy-seven times if necessary (Matthew 18:20-21 NIV). He had many other things to say about forgiveness and practiced it remarkably even while dying unjustly on the cross (Luke 23:34, NIV). Why is forgiveness often such a difficult thing to do? What does it truly mean to forgive?

What Forgiveness Is Not

If we are honest with ourselves (and with God), forgiveness is not something that comes easily. It is often difficult to let go of the emotions that arise from experiencing injustice.

A partial explanation of this is that anger, bitterness, and resentment – emotions commonly associated with unforgiveness – are immensely powerful emotions, and they can be a form of toxic fuel. In many cases, we never receive an apology let alone restitution. Should forgiveness wait until there is an apology or acknowledgment of guilt? The answer is no.

Forgiveness is different from being satisfied with justice. The parent who looks the murderer of their child in the eye and forgives them does not receive their child back. It is not justice. There will remain an empty space in their life, but with forgiveness, that emptiness will no longer be filled with bitterness, resentment, and anger.

Forgiveness is also not reconciliation. You are not bound to make amends with the party who hurt you. Forgiveness does not require you to build a bridge that was broken. The abused child may find it in their hearts to forgive their abuser, but that does not mean the relationship is mended, nor does it mean they should try to repair it. In many cases, it is wisdom and self-preservation to cut ties with the one who has damaged you.

Forgiveness is also different from kindness. While some may manage to forgive their tormentors, it is not the same as showing kindness to the ones who have wronged you. Forgiveness may be a necessary and unglamorous step for you to move on in your life.

What Forgiveness Is

Simply put, forgiveness is the active decision to put an issue to rest and to let go of the need for justice or payment of a debt (whether literal or emotional). It may feel like surrender or defeat, and this is one of the reasons we do not like to practice it. Forgiveness can feel like losing out on something that was owed to us. However, it is in letting an issue go that we find freedom.

Much of the language around the subject of forgiveness and unforgiveness in the Bible is the same as the language we use for money payments and transactions. The word “sinners” is interchangeable with “debtors” (Matthew 6:12, NIV).

We say, “he owes me an apology,” or might promise to “pay someone back” for how they wronged us. This transactional language highlights the nature of forgiveness: you are owed justice, but you make an intentional decision to cancel the order.

It is perfectly natural, and even healthy, to desire repayment for loss. But yearning for justice can become so toxic that it begins to poison our life, especially in the case of justice that is not paid out. The world we live in is often unjust, and if all we thirsted for was moral right, we would die of thirst. Forgiveness, then, is practiced not necessarily for our debtors, but for ourselves.

The Health Risks of Holding a Grudge

Forgiveness is a complex topic because it is inextricably linked to emotional damage, loss grief, and hurt. The perpetrator could be a stranger, an employer, a parent, or a friend, and the damage may be intentional and vindictive, or it may be a one-time costly accident.

These details are important because, to a great degree, they determine what the path to forgiveness will look like for us. It may be a long and complicated one, as in the case of abuse sustained from a caregiver or family member, for example.

Perhaps the injustice occurred a single time, as in the case of a drunk driver causing a fatality. Whatever the cause, long-lasting unforgiveness can have dire consequences on our mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing.

Research shows that short-term unforgiveness affects our cognitive and communication skills, our social responses, and our interactions with others. In almost all instances of unforgiveness, our reason, logic, and decision-making skills are affected and may not recover for months or even years.

In almost every case of long-term unforgiveness, the cardiovascular system is affected, increasing the risk of heart disease and events about high blood pressure, like heart failure. In extreme cases, brain hemorrhages have been linked to the chronic stress that unforgiveness incites.

Of all the likely long-term effects that unaddressed negative emotions have, none is more prevalent than depression. In the aftermath of a traumatic event, we go through a process remarkably similar to grief. Grief may be a part of the process, of course, but the multi-layered complexity of emotional responses can cycle through us, leaving us deflated, defeated, and without energy.

The Way Out

It is important to remember that, as with grief, forgiveness is a long and often complicated process that involves our minds, will, and emotions. It is common to feel resolved on the issue at one point, and ready to move on, only to encounter something triggering, and subsequently feel like progress has been lost.

Fortunately, no one is alone in this area and there are some helpful resources out there. Psychologist Robert Enright developed a helpful four-step outline for forgiveness, which at the very least explains the process graciously.

Step one in his model is to observe how you have been emotionally affected by the issue, and how you have acted on or avoided these emotions. We are often taught in society not to trust our emotions, or at least not to express the negative ones.

However, pretending you have been unaffected by a hurtful incident is like ignoring the warning lights on the dashboard of a car. Our emotions, like those lights, communicate unseen issues. To ignore these warning signal emotions is to risk having a breakdown.

Step two in his outline is to acknowledge that you are not coping with the event. However successful you may be in stifling or ignoring the emotions surrounding the hurt, you are effectively stuck and need to find a way out.

The way out is by making a conscious choice to forgive and let go of the need for recompense. You can only come to this decision once you have realized that there is no suitable alternative option for you.

Step three is to consider the event itself. You need to determine what you believe about the event: was the act one of malicious intent, or was the perpetrator a victim of circumstance? Was it intentional, or was it an accident? The fact is that either way, you will have to let go of the event. But acknowledging what you believe about it is a crucial step in that direction.

Last, it is time to release the harmful emotions and reflect on how you have grown or changed. The release may be a lengthy process of journaling, speaking about it, or whatever other action of which you can think. It may be a part of a daily routine, or it may be a once-off ritual, like burning a letter that expressed your thoughts. Either way, this is an intentional action that represents you letting go.

The self-reflection is an important part of the last step, and also could be a repeated action. We will likely face more than one negative experience in our lives, and actively reflecting on how we dealt with this one will help us face the next. If it was a long journey to forgiveness, it will be empowering to look back and see how far you persevered and what you made it through.

What Does Forgiveness Mean?

Forgiveness is not a once-off event, though it is a conscious one. Forgiveness is not reconciliation, but it is important for self-healing. Forgiveness is a release; it is chipping away at the injustice of a situation until you are free. It is not easy or simple, and you may carry around a sense of loss with you, even after turning your back on the event. Simply put, forgiveness means freedom, and freedom at a price.

A vital component on the journey to forgiveness is community. Not only is it cathartic to speak about your experiences with a trusted friend, pastor, or even a counselor, or therapist, but you may find that they have a perspective on the issue that you do not. A trained counselor will listen, understand, and help you along each step of the journey. Contact us to book an appointment and you can begin that journey to forgiveness and freedom today.