Re-ordered Heart: Navigating Trauma, Codependency, and People Pleasing

The nature of trauma has the potential to inform, influence, and infect our relationships. Traumatic experiences point to the roots of sin and dysfunction in our families. This may not be isolated to our families of origin, but it also makes an appearance in our adulthood experiences.

While we may have adopted codependency and people-pleasing to navigate difficult seasons of life, they don’t facilitate interactions with others but rather complicate them. Instead of remaining true to who God has made us, we try to suppress that, misbelieving that we serve others when we forfeit the boundaries and behaviors that enhance our well-being.

Codependency suggests that our value is anchored in what we do to gain acceptance and approval by pleasing people. When we continue with that as if it were true, we build thoughts, feelings, and behaviors around what satisfies others. This devalues the Holy Spirit within and the range of normal and God-given desires He has planted in our hearts.

While trauma and codependency may have informed our difficulties, it doesn’t define or dictate our life path. When we encounter revealed Truth in Scripture and an encounter with the Spirit of Christ, we are miraculously exposed to the abundance of healing, peace, and joy available to us in our relationship with God.

Moving away from codependency

To alter the behavior, we have to re-evaluate the narratives that we rehearse internally. Are our internal scripts true and supported by Scripture or informed by past wounds and perspectives that don’t reflect the fullness of God’s grace and mercy?

It is only in knowing that we are completely loved and fully accepted by God, that we embrace honest exploration of the thoughts we are often afraid to confront or express in prayer. The Holy Spirit will infuse us with the courage and humility to open our hearts in dialogue with Him and re-align with the Truth we need to live. The Bible is the best of all sources to inform and shift skewed vision and transform mindsets to reflect His own.

Many avoid dealing with the trauma that leads to codependency. We may need to re-examine the toxic relationships and patterns that have legitimized their prevalence in our mindsets and behaviors. We don’t always realize how codependency strips us of integrity to our boundaries, and instead emphasize responsibility to carry others’ mental and emotional burdens.

The Bible clarifies that we are to support and encourage each other with the help and guidance of the Lord. This can take time and practice with the Holy Spirit. This can be challenging, but when we fail, we can try again with wisdom and grace.

Changing boundaries

For those of us who have experienced trauma or engaged in toxic behaviors or dysfunctional cycles, we likely experienced blurred boundaries. Those who grew up in such settings were burdened with responsibility for other people’s decisions and the outcomes associated with someone else’s behaviors. We learned to find fault, often shifting responsibility for our own choices elsewhere, yet fully assuming what wasn’t ours to carry.

Codependency thrives on these experiences, demanding that we absorb the costs for others’ emotional well-being while we deflect responsibility and care for our own.

No human can afford to carry the emotional weight and responsibility for another, hence the need for one Mediator between God and man, Christ Jesus (1 Timothy 2:5). Our tendency toward prioritizing others’ approval over God’s will does not serve the Father, our friends and loved ones, or us. We must establish healthy boundaries that provide parameters where relationships bloom. Though challenging, we can learn and practice with therapeutic support.

Changing behavior

God who is all-powerful, doesn’t constrain us to love or serve Him. True love does not force us to follow Him out of manipulation or control. We do so willingly, drawn by His kindness. Obedience begins inside, as we surrender our minds and hearts and become set apart by His Truth. The resulting behaviors and lifestyle don’t produce salvation, but rather are evidence of transformation and reflect God’s empowering grace.

Next steps

It may be difficult to do this, but look through your own life and consider where pleasing people has overridden the Father’s Heart. God is the audience that matters most. You don’t have to remain in shame, but instead welcome the Holy Spirit’s help.

Browse our counselor directory to find a counselor in Little Elm, Texas and schedule an appointment. There is a path forward for you to make changes, re-ordering the people and the priorities of your heart.