Moving Past Failure On Your Journey Toward Self-Development

For the longest time, Jason had no concept of self-development and felt as though his life was spiraling out of control. He was one of those people who’s been gifted with intelligence, a good sense of humor, and a warm personality that was inviting to others.

But it just seemed as though things never quite lined up for him – his relationship with his fiancé ended after they found themselves on different paths in life, and various other friendships of his crumbled when he sought to build accountability into those friendships.

He had tried his hand at various business ventures; he had great ideas and a solid work ethic, but somehow things just never quite got off the ground. It wasn’t long after that Jason began to feel like not only had he failed at a few things – he felt as though he was a failure.

Life doesn’t always go according to plan or stick to our schedule. Our desires for a certain kind of life get frustrated through a combination of our poor choices, the choices and actions of others, and circumstances simply not lining up in our favor.

A business can fail because there are poor systems in place, but even the best-positioned business can struggle in the face of huge events such as a global pandemic or a severe economic recession. The dynamics in personal relationships aren’t always under our control, and that’s partly the reason they are both rewarding and a little scary.

Failure will happen in everyone’s life. When things go off the rails, that leaves one with a choice of how to respond meaningfully to that setback. It is possible to use failure to catapult yourself further toward your goals, but that requires the cultivation of a certain mindset regarding self-development.

How To Move Past Failure

Failing at something that you’re emotionally, mentally, financially, and otherwise invested in can knock the wind right out of your sails. Part of a person’s self-development is growing in how they handle those setbacks, learning to get back up again, and keep trying. An important part of that is to learn to separate your failures from your identity.

That is the struggle Jason got caught up in – because things hadn’t gone according to plan, he began to think of himself as a failure, and that could hinder his momentum going into another relationship, starting another business venture, or trusting another circle of friends.

Trust in God’s providence. When things don’t go according to your plan, a crucial point to remember is that the hardships we encounter and experience in life aren’t by accident. To be sure, sometimes we make poor choices that land us in hot water.

At other times, things come our way that simply are beyond our control, like how a pandemic can devastate a young catering or tour business. It’s hard to wrap our heads around, but none of these things is a surprise to God, nor are they outside His control.

It takes trust for us to see the reality that God is at work even in our darkest hour. The Bible reminds us of this truth: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28, NIV).

Not all things that come our way are good, but in all things, God is at work for the good of His people. The story of Joseph in the book of Genesis is one of many such stories that remind us of just how big God is, and how dire circumstances don’t undermine God’s purposes and intention to bless us. Joseph was rejected by his brothers, sold into slavery, falsely accused of assaulting his boss’ wife and imprisoned for that offense.

Though he was faithful in everything, for a long time things just worked against Joseph. However, God was at work the entire time. Because Joseph was sold into slavery in Egypt, and because he was in prison with the king’s cupbearer, he was able to rise to power and become second in command to the king (Pharoah).

Due to his position, Joseph saved his family and all of Egypt from famine. Joseph would never in a thousand years have chosen to get to his destination the way he did – none of us would – but in and through it all, God was at work, culminating in this statement from Joseph to his brothers: “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives” (Genesis 50:20, NIV). Part of self-development is trusting God to be God.

Remember who you are. Failure also tends to challenge your sense of identity. When you fail, the sense that you’re incapable or incompetent can enter your mind and stay there like an unwelcome guest. Jason certainly felt that way when things weren’t working out in various areas of his life. If that thought settles in your mind and heart, it could seriously stunt your self-development because it can make you unwilling to be bold and try new things.

The other side of failure is that it can make you question the things you place value on. For instance, if you feel valuable and worthy of respect because you have a flourishing business or because your relationships are flourishing, then your sense of self-worth may be grounded on shifting sands.

Sometimes, God can upend our plans just so that we can see how fragile our plans are, and turn to Him for our sense of identity and worth. Psalm 139 speaks the truth about why you are valuable, and that is something that can never be taken away from you, regardless of your life experiences.

You are “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14, NIV), and you are made in God’s image (Genesis 1:26-27). That fundamental dignity that you possess because of Who made you and because of who you are created to be is an identity that can’t be erased or diminished. This is who you are, and not whatever failure you’ve encountered or mistake you’ve made.

Constructively criticize and learn. When things go pear-shaped, one way to deal with it is to see it as an opportunity to learn. Failure can be an effective coach, and it can refine you to be a better person. When a relationship crumbles, that can teach you the value and potency of your words or how to celebrate moments with loved ones more intentionally.

Various situations can teach you your limits and your need for others to assist you, to be more grateful, to be more patient with yourself or others, to recognize your frailty, and perhaps that you’re not the exception to the rule. Sometimes God works through our failures to humble us and draw us into more authentic, compassionate, and empathetic relationships with ourselves and others. Failure allows a person to become emotionally resilient.

In one of the most shocking openings to a biblical text, James writes the following: “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing” (James 1: 2-4, ESV).

Difficulties, trials, setbacks, and all manner of challenges that come our way in life can test our faith, but that’s a good thing because it will result in us growing in perseverance and becoming mature. Thus, instead of giving up, persevere in the face of challenges, because that’s where growth and self-development happen. Having a growth mindset goes a long way toward becoming a resilient person who faces challenges and setbacks head-on.

Get back up again. It may seem trite to say it, but when you fail you have to be willing to get back up and try again. When things go awry, that’s probably the last thing you want to do. Stepping out and trying again takes courage and a healthy dose of hope. Of course, it’s important to take time to heal, break down what happened, and learn from any mistakes you may have made, but the point of all that is to go right back out again and give it another go.

The story of Jesus can shape His people into hopeful, courageous, and resilient people because they know that dark days can and do come, but God can triumph even over seemingly lost causes. Jesus’ death seemed to be the end of a dream, and it’s no wonder His disciples were shattered by it.

His resurrection into new life showed God’s power over death, and His ability to bring new life even in a situation where all seems lost. Christians throughout history are a people of hope because Jesus’ story caps off an entire Bible’s worth of other stories where God does the seemingly impossible, making a way where there was no way.

When you get up and try again, you do so hopefully a little wiser and a bit stronger. Wisdom not only guides us when trying again, but even before that, it helps us to grow in discerning our moment – when to carry on, and when to walk away.

Sometimes you may find that wisdom suggests pursuing a goal in community is better than pursuing it alone. That wisdom and discernment are often hard-won as you go into the trenches a few times and learn from your own and the mistakes of others.

Christian counseling to help you meet your self-development goals

Life’s setbacks don’t have to utterly defeat you. You can bounce back after failure, and you can be stronger than before as you do so. It may be helpful for you to have a conversation partner that walks with you as you deal with failure and try to grow. A person can get stuck in unhelpful patterns of thought and behavior that undermine their progress, and so finding a counselor that can discern those patterns and help substitute them for healthy ones goes a long way.

Your counselor can walk with you like a life coach that helps you develop tools such as effective planning and goal setting, ways to avoid procrastination, and developing a healthy growth mindset so that you give yourself the best chance at succeeding. If you’re struggling with failure, and it is interfering with your self-development goals, reach out to a counselor today so that you can begin overcoming those failures and meeting your goals.