Getting to Grips with Boundaries in Relationships

The concept of “boundaries” has become popular in recent years, with many books and articles appearing on the topic. It can, however, be difficult to get to grips with, and where boundaries in relationships are lacking, the issue can be even harder to identify and resolve.

What exactly are boundaries?

Just as physical boundaries in the world represent the beginning and end of things – walls, traffic lanes, state lines – so too do these concepts apply to the self and relationships. A personal boundary delineates where a person ends, and another person begins and leads to a sense of ownership for what an individual is thereby responsible for.

They are responsible for themselves – their body, feelings, thoughts, choices, desires, behaviors, and so forth. When boundaries in relationships are firmly in place, there can be freedom to enjoy the blessing of that particular type of companionship, and the idea of boundaries need not be considered in any way.

When, however, we ascertain that we are taking responsibility for someone else’s property, such as their thoughts or feelings, etc., or we are controlling someone or they are controlling us, it is a warning sign that boundaries lines have been confused. Feeling hurt is also an indication of breached boundaries, as is resentment or bitterness creeping into relationships.

If you constantly feel tired or stressed, and yet are powerless to say no to additional demands, a boundary problem could also be lurking. In these instances, it would be extremely helpful to have some sessions with a trained Christian counselor, who will guide you through ascertaining where “property ownership” is being contested, and assist in navigating you back to having healthy boundaries in relationships.

Boundaries in Relationships: Marriage Patterns

As Christians, we believe that marriage is a covenant relationship where “two become one” and are joined together – the husband and wife become one flesh. This strong bond is unbreakable till death, and, when it is forced apart prematurely, by divorce, the hurt and pain that erupt are unbearable, often leaving a legacy of dysfunctionality throughout generations to come.

In this togetherness, however, there is still space for each partner in the marriage to be an individual; this is how they contribute fully to the marriage. As such, individual boundaries need to be maintained – how a spouse speaks to their husband or wife and how they treat them physically matters.

When a boundary line is crossed, for instance, one partner begins to assume control of who the other is friends with (assuming they are not unhelpful friendships, although even if this is the case, a person can give wisdom but should not coerce another person into a certain behavior), the spouse has a right to stand up and express that this boundary trespassing is not acceptable.

They can do this in a loving, firm way, as boundaries in relationships are positive and necessary, and insist on them being adhered to. If a person in marriage continues to ignore personal boundaries, in how they speak or act, it would be critically important to advocate marriage counseling, so that the spouse at fault can learn to root out sinful patterns.

Boundaries in Relationships: Family

Family relationships can be wonderful, and they can be extremely complex too. A person might have grown up in a home where boundaries in relationships were not respected, and as a result, they carry these dysfunctionalities through to adulthood and bring them into new relationships.

In-law relationships are typical territory for boundary issues to arise. All too often, parents don’t understand or don’t want to acknowledge the need to “leave and cleave” – as instructed in Genesis, where a man and wife are to “leave” their family of origin as they start a new family of their own.

This in no way implies that a married son and his wife or a daughter and her new husband should ignore their parents – far from it, they should continue to honor them and respect them and enjoy regular visits to build the relationship, but their parents should not “overstep the mark” by intruding on a couple’s need for space or asking inappropriate questions relating to topics such as finances or sex.

This can create huge stress and conflict in a new marriage, and, if requests for boundaries to be maintained are continuously ignored, may necessitate a move to another town or another definitive action to prevent the intrusion into the marriage.

This should be handled in a loving, mature manner. Setting boundaries is not an unloving action and can be the most loving thing that can be done to prevent further damage to all relationships concerned.

Boundaries in Professional Relationships

Boundaries in relationships extend to work relationships, particularly in instances where the “power balance” is unequal, for example, a boss and the employees that they manage. If an employee is very eager to prove themselves, they may unwittingly allow someone who is supervising them to overload them with work beyond their stipulated hours or job description, for instance, and feel powerless to say no.

As the situation is repeated, a pattern is set up, and it becomes extremely difficult for the appropriate, original boundary to be enforced, as it has been shifted so far past what it should be. A person with a strong sense of boundaries in relationships will raise the alert at the first hint of transgression, and so ensure that no “trespassing” of boundaries takes place.

This behavior can be learned and is often linked to confidence and healthy self-esteem. On the contrary, being able to comfortably address a boundary concern can boost one’s confidence, as the realization is made that this is healthy behavior.

A Biblical View

As followers of Christ, we are well aware of the call to “take up our cross” (Luke 14:27) and to live lives of self-sacrifice. These commands seem to go against the concept of boundaries in relationships, and so it is important to analyze whether God’s Word agrees with the notion.

Examples from the life of Jesus certainly seem to point to its wisdom, if one looks at passages where Jesus took care of his bodily needs, even sleeping peacefully during a storm (Mark 4:37-39); prioritizing his time with God, by withdrawing to pray despite the needs of the crowd (Luke 5:15-16), and not accepting others’ agendas by refusing to become an earthly king (John 6:15).

That said, Jesus was also prepared to break all boundaries – dining with sinners, healing on the Sabbath, being touched by “unclean” people. As much as we would love to draw protective circles around ourselves to avoid any discomfort or pain, we need to exercise wisdom in what constitutes presenting our bodies as living sacrifices (Romans 12:1) versus honoring our physical and emotional limitations.

And that perhaps is what it comes down to – wisdom, and being able to humbly present ourselves before God to ask for this wisdom, which he promises to give (James 1:5). We will then be able to view a relationship, with all its nuances, and be guided on how to act while upholding our integrity.

This wisdom also comes from time spent in deep study of God’s word, as well as in getting support from those who are mature in the faith or who are equipped to offer appropriate counsel. An external party will be able to easily spot blindspots when it comes to boundaries in relationships, offer new perspectives, and encourage us amid difficult circumstances.

God deeply desires for us to be in close community with each other, for that is how we grow and sharpen one another. When issues are particularly complex, however, it is helpful to seek the advice of a trained Christian counselor, who has the background knowledge necessary to lead you through a problem.