Pursuing Counseling as a Stepparent

Let’s be honest – being a stepparent can be hard. Whether you are walking into a situation where the divorce was amicable or not there is pressure with being the new parent on the block. Coming into a family with older children presents a certain set of challenges and may require counseling to help.

The other parent may be respected, or they may not. They might be freely talked about, or their name may never be mentioned. Maybe the person you marry has a good relationship with their ex. Maybe it is adversarial, and your partner can find nothing good to say about them. Whatever the situation, being a stepparent can feel like being in the middle of a hedge maze with no way to get your bearings.

The reality is that a new marriage does not just include the adults involved. Stepping into a family, whether the kids are in the house or not, is complicated. While there is no one-size-fits-all solution, below are some tips to help with the transition.

The best thing you can do is to be respectful of the children and where they are. You are not going anywhere, and neither are they. As the older person in the situation, there is more expectation placed on you to make the children feel comfortable and not threatened.

Remember at the end of any snide comment about the other parent is their child who loves that person. The child is dealing with a mountain of trauma, pain, questions, and emotion. Insulting the other parent will only cause friction. Find a place outside the home to express your frustrations and process the situation. Counseling can be a good resource.

Even if you are overly respectful of the other parent, there will still be moments of pain and uncertainty. You will not see the kids on every holiday or birthday. They may or may not be open to the traditions you bring in. It is normal for kids to be cautious around you.

They may be hostile. If the other parent is set against you, it can seep down to the children. You only have control over your response. Empathy for your step-kids can go a long way in dealing with the questions and uncertainty of being a stepparent.

Being a stepparent means facing a dozen situations that feel like you have an outdated playbook when everyone else knows the plays. You will need to play catch-up. You will find a new rhythm. Acknowledge that you love the person you are with, and that means loving and respecting the people attached to them. It is not always easy, but family rarely is.

As a stepparent, the choice comes down to whether you will respect the children in your partner’s life or if you will try to make them adapt to your way of life. One can make the transition easier. The other will lead to resentment, anger, and pain.

This does not mean you are a doormat and there will be times you will disappoint the kids. But it does mean taking time to see the situation from the children’s point of view and doing what you can to make the transition easier and safer.

The therapists at Little Elm Christian Counseling are here to help. Counseling can provide a safe place for you, you and your spouse, or your new family. Your counselor in Little Elm can be a neutral third party who can help the transition for everyone even if it just gives you a place to process your questions and gain some encouragement as you maneuver your new role.