The Lie at the Root: Infidelity in Marriage

Things that seem like a good idea from one standpoint are often poor decisions when viewed with sober judgment. In our lives, we can look at the past and see how foolish or misguided we were when we made certain decisions or took a path we thought would lead to happiness. Such a thing is infidelity in marriage.

Wisdom is being able to see a thing for what it is in the moment, and not fall prey to illusions about your own intentions or the possible outcomes. We need wisdom when it comes to sex and relationships because we can easily mislead ourselves as well as get misled.

Why infidelity happens in marriage

There are many possible reasons why infidelity happens in a marriage. Sometimes it occurs as a form of revenge against one spouse for something they did or did not do. At other times, it occurs because something is missing in the relationship, such as a sense of intimacy or not feeling appreciated. While unhappiness is often a cause of infidelity, at other times it occurs because of boredom, or simply because the opportunity arises spontaneously.

Infidelity also often occurs because of the desire to explore aspects of oneself that aren’t being given care or attention within the marriage. Marital unfaithfulness can also occur when a person reconnects with an old flame, for instance. This can lead to the desire to tread the path not taken earlier in life and to reawaken old desires.

Whatever you may think of those reasons, they are real reasons why people have affairs. Those affairs may be physical and sexual, or they can be emotional affairs that happen at a distance via phone or the internet. Either way, one is crossing a boundary and having an inappropriate relationship that dishonors the marriage.

What’s happening in infidelity in marriage

In the book of Proverbs, we read these words that form part of the warning against adultery,

Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. – Proverbs 5:15-17, NIV

Marriage is the union between two people that forms an exclusive relationship that others have no part in. In marriage, a person and their spouse belong to one another, and they are not to share themselves with others. When infidelity in marriage happens, one or both of the spouses are drinking water from cisterns not their own.

Infidelity involves giving to others what belongs only to your spouse. You are taking what is not yours, and you are giving away to others what belongs only to your spouse. You are breaking the one-flesh union that binds a married couple together (Genesis 2: 24-25; Matthew 19: 4-9).

The lie at the root of infidelity

There is a lie that is at the root of infidelity. This lie can be particularly powerful, and it can seem like wisdom, but it is simple. In having an affair, one is buying into the lie that they can find whatever they’re missing, they can find joy in someone else other than their spouse. The lie is that they’ll find the fulfillment in this other person that they didn’t find in their spouse.

This lie can be powerful if you’ve just fought with your spouse. It can be powerful if you’re connecting with someone else in a way you haven’t with your spouse. It can be potent if you’ve been unhappy for a while in your marriage. It can be alluring if the other person is better-looking or offers something more attractive than your spouse. Despite all this, at the root, it is still a lie.

Recovering from the lie: Finding help

There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, and there are no perfect people in marriages. Finding joy in your spouse and your marriage is something like an art. It requires a lot of work. Infidelity does not mean the end of your marriage.

It’s possible for you to recover from infidelity, and for your relationship to be stronger than it was before. With the help of a counselor, you can work to rebuild your relationship on a stronger foundation.

Working with a professional Christian counselor, you and your spouse can explore what led to the infidelity. Understanding the dynamic in your relationship that made it vulnerable to infidelity is important.

It is also important to know how to strengthen your relationship. With marriage counseling, you can grow in appreciation for each other and your strengths as a couple, learn how to communicate effectively and with empathy, and cultivate your conflict resolution and problem-solving skills.

The story of your marriage is not necessarily at an end because of infidelity. Reach out and seek the help of a Christian marriage and family therapist to begin a new chapter in your life together.